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The continuing struggle against dissociation and overmobilization

Hi, or well I actually don't know how to start this. But basically I wanted to talk about 2 of the biggest issues plaguing me these days those being, as the title says, dissociation and overmobilization.

The dissociation bit I think is pretty self explanatory especially since it is specifically in relation to me being trans. It's really nothing special to explain about I think. It's really just your run of the mill stuff for a pretrans tgirl y'know feeling like you're trapped in a flesh prison that works to bastardize your persona largely by the efforts spearheaded by external actors and the feeling of being in between wanting to kill yourself yet feeling nothing at all at the same time. Kinda like feeling alive and dead simultaneously.

But anyway I should explain the overmobilization bit. So basically in my struggle for ego-liberation, particularly in relation to the ego-liberation war, I've faced the issue where I do what I guess could be described as "over hyping" myself on getting to work on things. The issue isn't my enthusiasm but rather the fact that this enthusiasm leads me nowhere but burnout. I become so energetic and excited about getting things done that I end up procrastinating getting anything done and instead putting that energy into unproductive tasks. And I think this stems from backward historic modes of thought in regards to progression. Relying on outdated strategies that never worked of "blitzkrieg," assuming that I can actually just get thru certain tasks all at once in a short period of time in contrast to the tried and tested method of steady progress and the construction of routines to aid in the continuation of said steady progress.

This kind of thinking has really been weighing me down recently especially with all the homework I have nowadays. But it's not just a thinking thing, it's an action thing as well. A major aspect of this would be the music I listen to which has a heavy socialist or really just agitation generally leaning which I've become kinda tired of. I'm not advocating for a "retvrn" ot my historical musical listening habits tho, I completely recognize that the music I listen to is directly a consequence of my conditions and thus it doesn't make much sense to go back to listening to music from when I lived in Utah or something when now I live the UK under a very different home environment and understanding of self. Things would just feel very obtuse. Rather I should be find new music that reflects my new conditions and isn't so agitation-y. In fact I've already found such a genre! I've labeled it "neo-fagslop" (as opposed to the old fagslop of my Utah/Japan years) which is a combined synthesis of non-agitation tranny breakcore and normal agitation songs. Finding and selecting songs for the playlist is still very much a work in progress but it much better reflects my conditions today.

All of this, and actions I'm taking beyond music choice, could very well be described as a "demobilization" from action but rather I would say it's really much closer to the opposite of that a mobilization for further action. I say that because despite the fact that the music is supposed to reflect the waning of the April 21st conflict between me and my parents and thus the calming of my ego-political landscape. But rather it is to prep me to be better equipped for a protracted battle for the advancement of my transition to higher levels which will necessarily require me to "demobilize" or shift away from the idiotic "blitzkrieg" mode of thought and realign myself fully with the correct and revolutionary "steady progression" method of execution of tasks.

I think that'll be it for now, I'm really good at journaling and I think I went all over the place here and was incoherent but I think it's better that I got at least some of the things I wanted to talk about off my mind. Anyway hope you didn't have a seizure reading this and thanks for reading! :3